Suicide!
1) Write a letter to yourself explaining why you are feeling the way you are. Address it to you in the future, seal it and mark it do not open until and pick a day a year from now. or five years. Then make it your goal to get to that date to see what has changed.
2) Call a friend. Call five friends. Call people that you are not sure are your friends.
3)Go for a run.
4) Make a list of people that will be affected by your not being here. The list may surprise you.
5) ANYTHING ELSE ~~
Obviously suicide has touched my world recently and I cannot process the whole thing.It has affected so many people that I know, it has created a ripple similar to the one that is created by tossing a rock into a pond. I hurt for the person who committed the act, I hurt for the person that was first on the scene, I hurt for the family and friends, and the community that lost a treasure.
For those kids out there that don't think they are a treasure I want you to know you are wrong. We all have something to contribute to this world, and no matter what anyone tells you You are amazing. No matter how tight the darkness holds you, it will let go. It will get better! It may not seem it, and these words may have been repeated to you so much you don't hear them any more, but it is the truth. You are a bright shining star and you are here for a purpose. You have a reason to be, and not one single reason for leaving in such a permanent fashion. It may seem like the only answer, it is not.
My suggestions may sound flip or nonsensical in the face of something so serious, but it is not my intention. at all. So many people are affected by something like this;
Parents~~ even the ones you think don't care
Siblings~~even the ones you are sure you hate or that you think hate you.
Friends~~ want to know why you didn't let them help you. What they could have done to make you not do it. What clue did they miss that would have helped them to stop you? Why didn't you lean on them, trust their friendship to help you through this
Neighbors~~they want to help but don't know what to say to your family and friends
The postman~~ yeah! even the post man. Delivering a piece of mail with your name on it to the people that are grieving. Knowing he has to deliver it, knowing it will probably hurt someone in your house.
Anyone you have come into contact with that remembers your name. It affects them all, in some way.
I am pretty sure this blog is still new enough to not be read by many if any at all, but I hope that it finds its way to anyone that needs a friend. Anyone that needs a shoulder or an ear, or someone to just say it will be okay.Yes, you can't see that when the pain consumes you so much that this looks like it is your only answer. That is why I have written it down for you. To look at. To remember. To help you. You are loved. You are worth life and joy and please please don't do it.......
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Signs?
I take the same route home everyday. The only thing that changes is the way I park my car in the driveway, same spot just backed in or nose first. Much of my life is that way, very routine, mundane, B.O.R.I.N.G. With that said, I have to add that the routine is also easily interrupted. The little things can really throw things off kilter. I am not talking the ordinary things like the creamer being empty, even though it is sitting at attention waiting patiently on the top shelf of the fridge so it can laugh at your morning misfortune. I am not even talking about the child you asked to get dress twenty minutes ago so you wouldn't be late again, still sitting staring at her socks like they were some new fangled contraption created just to confuse her. I am talking about something as simple as over hearing two perfect strangers having a conversation. Words totally not meant for you, having nothing what so ever to do with you, coming from voices you have never in your entire life heard.
That is what happened to me yesterday afternoon, on my normal boring routine drive home from work. I took the same left hand turn out of the parking lot. I took my same stop at the corner and stayed right before turning left again and finally being able to point my car in the direction of HOME!!
Two people were standing there, not far into this street and judging by the hand gestures I would say their discussion was intense. Now I will say that like most of the country it seems, my area is so hot that all four windows were rolled down and I was concentrating on trying to get home as quickly as possible so I could change into my not for public consumption comfy shorts and tee shirt outfit. My only thought about these people was that they were not going to suddenly bolt in front of my car and did not have kids with them. My impression of them even now is simply of flying hands and attitude. I want to say it was two women, but I can not guarantee that I would be accurate on that count. I flew by them and was pretty close to tossing their memory in to the circular file when I heard a woman shout, (maybe this is why I say two women, the one voice I heard was that of a woman.) In any case I heard her shout
"No one is in control of your behavior but you."
I tapped the brake, and glanced back briefly but only saw the backs of their heads as they walked away. Obviously they were not talking to me. I had to pause and ask myself WERE they talking to me though? Was it a sign? Was it a message I was supposed to receive from the powers that be? (F.Y.I : to me "powers that be" is God , but in my world you are well with in your rights to call them what ever you want.)
I find myself now, taking a long look at myself. I want to say in the mirror, but I avoid those things. I have started to analyze what behaviors in my life, I am blaming on others. What behaviors I can change. What behaviors I want to change.
I am also trying to stop changing other people's behaviors. I cannot control the negative people in my life, but I can control how I react to them. I cannot control how others choose to see life, and the pleasure they do or don't take in it. I can control how long I stay in their presence and if I allow their to influence me.
I choose to have a positive attitude. I choose, to try to do good to others, I choose to take actions that will help me achieve happiness and bliss.
I choose to write the stories I want to write, both in my world and on my paper.
That is what happened to me yesterday afternoon, on my normal boring routine drive home from work. I took the same left hand turn out of the parking lot. I took my same stop at the corner and stayed right before turning left again and finally being able to point my car in the direction of HOME!!
Two people were standing there, not far into this street and judging by the hand gestures I would say their discussion was intense. Now I will say that like most of the country it seems, my area is so hot that all four windows were rolled down and I was concentrating on trying to get home as quickly as possible so I could change into my not for public consumption comfy shorts and tee shirt outfit. My only thought about these people was that they were not going to suddenly bolt in front of my car and did not have kids with them. My impression of them even now is simply of flying hands and attitude. I want to say it was two women, but I can not guarantee that I would be accurate on that count. I flew by them and was pretty close to tossing their memory in to the circular file when I heard a woman shout, (maybe this is why I say two women, the one voice I heard was that of a woman.) In any case I heard her shout
"No one is in control of your behavior but you."
I tapped the brake, and glanced back briefly but only saw the backs of their heads as they walked away. Obviously they were not talking to me. I had to pause and ask myself WERE they talking to me though? Was it a sign? Was it a message I was supposed to receive from the powers that be? (F.Y.I : to me "powers that be" is God , but in my world you are well with in your rights to call them what ever you want.)
I find myself now, taking a long look at myself. I want to say in the mirror, but I avoid those things. I have started to analyze what behaviors in my life, I am blaming on others. What behaviors I can change. What behaviors I want to change.
I am also trying to stop changing other people's behaviors. I cannot control the negative people in my life, but I can control how I react to them. I cannot control how others choose to see life, and the pleasure they do or don't take in it. I can control how long I stay in their presence and if I allow their to influence me.
I choose to have a positive attitude. I choose, to try to do good to others, I choose to take actions that will help me achieve happiness and bliss.
I choose to write the stories I want to write, both in my world and on my paper.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
What I want to do is..
write a serial. That was the intention of this blog. I wanted to write my stories, find some readers and offer them a chapter a week. Every time I think about sitting down and doing some writing on it my mind wanders away from me. Instead of the fiction I enjoy writing I get thoughts about topics like: Are you living your life in fear? Have you made an impact today? What are you doing for you? Are you holding yourself back?
Motivational speaker type stuff, not the fiction that I want to be writing. So instead of blogging I go to the "social networks". I play silly mindless games, and retreat both from the world and from the writing.
I recently made contact with a friend from high school, through one of the more prominent social sites. She tends to be an Eeyore type personality. A rain cloud over her head, and almost afraid of her own shadow. It is understandable as she has had it rough since we graduated high school (that was yesterday wasn't it?), but I recall her being much the same in school. Sadly she lives in that sadness and tries to recreate the good feelings from the past. I was just about to tell you her age there, saying that she is a an old woman trapped in a young woman's body but the number reminded me we are no longer young so I will move on with out telling you. In any case, I try to remember to reply to her posts as much as possible with out looking stalker like. Its hard though to be positive and gentle at the same time.
In a recent interaction, she was saying that she would do something "someday". I replied with words to the affect of why not now. She told me that I need to be a motivational speaker. Oddly enough I had already been having those thoughts for this blog. Motivational typist maybe? So here I sit, wondering what it takes to become a motivational speaker? I am way to short to be Tony Robbins, but I do like giving advice to others, helping them work through their road blocks. My problem is my own road blocks, seem more like mountains on top of mountains instead of the tiny little ant hills I know that they are. So tell me, dear readers, what are your mountains? How do you limit yourself? More importantly, how do you get past them? Through them? Around them?
Motivational speaker type stuff, not the fiction that I want to be writing. So instead of blogging I go to the "social networks". I play silly mindless games, and retreat both from the world and from the writing.
I recently made contact with a friend from high school, through one of the more prominent social sites. She tends to be an Eeyore type personality. A rain cloud over her head, and almost afraid of her own shadow. It is understandable as she has had it rough since we graduated high school (that was yesterday wasn't it?), but I recall her being much the same in school. Sadly she lives in that sadness and tries to recreate the good feelings from the past. I was just about to tell you her age there, saying that she is a an old woman trapped in a young woman's body but the number reminded me we are no longer young so I will move on with out telling you. In any case, I try to remember to reply to her posts as much as possible with out looking stalker like. Its hard though to be positive and gentle at the same time.
In a recent interaction, she was saying that she would do something "someday". I replied with words to the affect of why not now. She told me that I need to be a motivational speaker. Oddly enough I had already been having those thoughts for this blog. Motivational typist maybe? So here I sit, wondering what it takes to become a motivational speaker? I am way to short to be Tony Robbins, but I do like giving advice to others, helping them work through their road blocks. My problem is my own road blocks, seem more like mountains on top of mountains instead of the tiny little ant hills I know that they are. So tell me, dear readers, what are your mountains? How do you limit yourself? More importantly, how do you get past them? Through them? Around them?
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
I had a dream
about my own funeral! Which is scary and bizarre. It was also eye opening. I have already told my loved ones that I want to be an organ donor and do not wish to have a funeral. While I have been told many times that I am to young to worry about this, I am, in reality, less than a decade away from being the same age my dad was when he died. I have tried to be optimistic and regularly remind myself that I will be in my 80's before I die, but I still fear death. I guess, as this dream tells me, I fear more than just death.
In my dream my family is holding my funeral. I could see and hear everything that was being said and I wandered about for a few minutes before I noticed that my oldest son was talking about me. He was telling people that I was a dreamer. He smiled sadly and explained how I had always had big dreams but never managed to find time to achieve those dreams. I had never won the lottery, he laughed. I had never lost the weight that I was always saying I needed to lose. Most importantly I had never finished those stories I was always writing, so I never became the writer I dreamed of being. The look of sadness and disappointment on his face broke my heart.
I woke up in a cold sweat and thought about this awhile. Do I want my kids to look on me as a wasted life? Do I want to BE a wasted life?
Sure I have raised some pretty good kids, one in college one on his way to college and then the baby in elementary school. I enjoy my job, but who knows how long it will be here, the way the economy is at the moment. I am relatively happy, but am I "following my bliss"? What is my bliss? So I did a little self evaluation.
I am highly opinionated and love to "share" my many opinions. I love my family so much that the fear of not doing right by them sometimes makes me do nothing at all. I want to write amazing fiction stories, and share them with the world. I want to be famous, but not recognized. I want to travel all over the country while homeschooling the child and blog about it. I want to live a dream, a fantasy, MY reality.
So this blog is me finding a way to live my dream. It is my thoughts, my stories, my HOPE. My chance at not disappointing my children.My struggle to avoid that funeral
So does anyone out there want to sponsor a wanna be homeschooling momma as she travels around the country in an RV?
In my dream my family is holding my funeral. I could see and hear everything that was being said and I wandered about for a few minutes before I noticed that my oldest son was talking about me. He was telling people that I was a dreamer. He smiled sadly and explained how I had always had big dreams but never managed to find time to achieve those dreams. I had never won the lottery, he laughed. I had never lost the weight that I was always saying I needed to lose. Most importantly I had never finished those stories I was always writing, so I never became the writer I dreamed of being. The look of sadness and disappointment on his face broke my heart.
I woke up in a cold sweat and thought about this awhile. Do I want my kids to look on me as a wasted life? Do I want to BE a wasted life?
Sure I have raised some pretty good kids, one in college one on his way to college and then the baby in elementary school. I enjoy my job, but who knows how long it will be here, the way the economy is at the moment. I am relatively happy, but am I "following my bliss"? What is my bliss? So I did a little self evaluation.
I am highly opinionated and love to "share" my many opinions. I love my family so much that the fear of not doing right by them sometimes makes me do nothing at all. I want to write amazing fiction stories, and share them with the world. I want to be famous, but not recognized. I want to travel all over the country while homeschooling the child and blog about it. I want to live a dream, a fantasy, MY reality.
So this blog is me finding a way to live my dream. It is my thoughts, my stories, my HOPE. My chance at not disappointing my children.My struggle to avoid that funeral
So does anyone out there want to sponsor a wanna be homeschooling momma as she travels around the country in an RV?
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