What I want to do is..

write a serial. That was the intention of this blog. I wanted to write my stories, find some readers and offer them a chapter a week. Every time I think about sitting down and doing some writing on it  my mind wanders away from me. Instead of the fiction I enjoy writing I get thoughts about topics like:  Are you living your life in fear? Have you made an impact today? What are you doing for you? Are you holding yourself back?
Motivational speaker type stuff, not the fiction that I want to be writing. So instead of blogging I go to the "social networks". I play silly mindless games, and retreat both from the world and from the writing.
I recently made contact with a friend from high school, through one of the more prominent social sites. She tends to be an Eeyore type personality. A rain cloud over her head, and almost afraid of her own shadow. It is understandable as she has had it rough since we graduated high school (that was yesterday wasn't it?), but I recall her being much the same in school. Sadly she lives in that sadness and tries to recreate the good feelings from the past. I was just about to tell you her age there, saying that she is a an old woman trapped in a young woman's body but the number reminded me we are no longer young so I will move on with out telling you. In any case, I try to remember to reply to her posts as much as possible with out looking stalker like. Its hard though to be positive and gentle at the same time.
In a recent interaction, she was saying that she would do something "someday". I replied with words to the affect of why not now. She told me that I need to be a motivational speaker. Oddly enough I had already been having those thoughts for this blog. Motivational typist maybe? So here I sit, wondering what it takes to become a motivational speaker?  I am way to short to be Tony Robbins, but I do like giving advice to others, helping them work through their road blocks. My problem is my own road blocks, seem more like mountains on top of mountains instead of the tiny little ant hills I know that they are.  So tell me, dear readers, what are your mountains?  How do you limit yourself? More importantly, how do you get past them? Through them? Around them?

I had a dream

about my own funeral! Which is scary and bizarre. It was also eye opening. I have already told my loved ones that I want to be an organ donor and do not wish to have a funeral. While I have been told many times that I am to young to worry about this, I am, in reality, less than a decade away from being the same age my dad was when he died. I have tried to be optimistic and regularly remind myself that I will be in my 80's before I die, but I still fear death. I guess, as this dream tells me, I fear more than just death.
     In my dream my family is holding my funeral. I could see and hear everything that was being said and  I wandered about for a few minutes before I noticed that my oldest son was talking about me. He was telling people that I was a dreamer. He smiled sadly and explained how I had always had big dreams but never managed to find time to achieve those dreams. I had never won the lottery, he laughed. I had never lost the weight that I was always saying I needed to lose. Most importantly I had never finished those stories I was always writing, so I never became the writer I dreamed of being. The look of sadness and disappointment on his face broke my heart.
       I woke up in a cold sweat and thought about this awhile. Do I want my kids to look on me as a wasted life?  Do I want to BE a wasted life?
       Sure I have raised some pretty good kids, one in college one on his way to college and then the baby in elementary school. I enjoy my job, but who knows how long it will be here, the way the economy is at the moment. I am relatively happy, but am I "following my bliss"? What is my bliss?  So I did a little self evaluation.
      I am highly opinionated and love to "share" my many opinions. I love my family so much that the fear of not doing right by them sometimes makes me do nothing at all. I want to write amazing fiction stories, and share them with the world. I want to be famous, but not recognized. I want to travel all over the country while homeschooling the child and blog about it. I want to live a dream, a fantasy, MY reality.
     So this blog is me finding a way to live my dream. It is my thoughts, my stories, my HOPE. My chance at not disappointing my children.My struggle to avoid that funeral
     So does anyone out there want to sponsor a wanna be homeschooling momma as she travels around the country in an RV?